Traditional Family Values
For most of us, our family is the most precious part of our lives. We are always striving to find a way to increase the value of our children’s lives. We want to give them a warm, stable home environment, a good education, and an optimistic future.
My family always meant the world to me. My parents instilled in me a strong family value that I always cherished. They made it a point to spend family time together. We ate most of our meals together, and often on Sundays, we had the “big Sunday dinner.” I have fond memories of the day trips my parents took us on, and the places I got to explore. I always knew that I wanted to have a family. Naturally, I assumed my children would have what I had with my parents and my sisters. As a mom of three children, it was vital for me to instill in them those same family values that I had learned growing up.
Lost Values
I made the not so unusual mistake of getting married at twenty years old, to a man I thought I loved. For years I tried to save the marriage, believing that divorce was what other couples did. It was so important to me that my children be in a two parent home. As I watched my marriage crumble and facing the reality that my expectation of a happy home for my children wasn’t a reality. I slowly came to the understanding of what I had to do. Sadly, I realize that I had brought these three children into an unhealthy environment. As difficult as this is to say, I married their father, knowing deep down that he had serious issues with alcohol. I, like so many other women, thought that I could change him. I have come to learn that, that’s not possible.
It was of the utmost importance that my young children have the best chance at a great life. They deserved a safe and stable home. One of us had to be the responsible parent and that person needed to be me. I needed to break the toxic environment they were living in. It was a terrifying decision, but I knew that my children’s future depended on it, and that was more important to me than trying to cover up and pretend that everything was just fine in our home.
When I finally decided to leave at the end of the school year, a feeling of relief came to me now that I had a plan. My plan was abruptly interrupted six months ahead of time. In one horrible evening, I knew I had to act immediately. In all honesty, I was not physically abused; but the events that night were devastating for my children and me. We had to experience this man in a drunken rampage that was more than damaging. I knew I had to act immediately. This event was the final breaking point. Once he left the house again, I quickly shoved clothes and needed items into large garbage bags, but I couldn’t leave because he had disconnected the spark plugs in my car. The kids and I were able to get out of the house when God blessed me with a good-hearted person that loaned me their car to leave.
We made it safely to my parent’s home, and I was able to get the kids to sleep. As I was kissing my twelve-year-old daughter good night, she asked me, “why did it take so long for you to leave?” That broke my heart because I now realized the heartache and pain she must have been going through herself. This was the third time I had to leave, but this time I knew it was real.
Divorcing their father would leave me in the role of both mother and father, but I had already been doing it for years anyway. After staying with my parents for several months, I was able to locate subsidized housing in the same town, which was only thirty minutes from their father. It was close enough if he wanted to see his children, he easily could, but sadly, far enough, that I knew he probably would not.
Finding The Strength
In the beginning, it was painful for all of us. Dealing with the divorce, the weekend visitations and his braking of the court-ordered agreements were extremely stressful. Each one of us struggled in our way. I worked hard at maintaining some sense of normalcy for my children, and it slowly developed. As a single parent, it meant being the strong disciplinarian but still their loving mom. Looking back, I ask myself, could I have handled things differently? But the answer is, I can’t imagine doing anything differently.
Like most parents, I worked hard to provide a sense of security and maintain a family bond. While it was a struggle to survive financially, I knew that I needed to go back to school so I could make more money. You need to understand how afraid I was of going back to school. I never felt good at it. I was scared of taking a test, and I was worried I would not succeed. The most obvious choice for me to improve my income was to become a nurse. Although I struggled, I was determined somehow I would succeed. In addition to the many activities the kids were involved in, I still had many hours of studying. I would go to their events with books in hand, cheering the kids on and studying at the same time. There was always an uneasiness I felt when needing to use government assistance to accomplish these goals. Still, I was determined that I would only use government assistance while in school, and I rejoiced the day I no longer qualified.
Of course, it was hard. Of course, there were fights and arguments. Of course, there were tears and many painful moments, but there were also good times, laughter, hugs, and lots of love in our home. We persevered and got through it.
Strong Values
It wasn’t easy wanting to be the loving mom, while also knowing that I had to be the one who must practice tough love. I strongly believe that to gain the needed respect and love in the home, and I needed to balance these two principles so my children can have the comfort, security, and stability needed. Children need the guidance of a strong adult figure. You are their teacher. You are their mentor, but it is also vital for children to know that it’s OK to make mistakes. I am far from perfect, but I knew I was their parent who needed to lead them on a path to set them up for a wonderful future.
All of this pain and difficulty that I have expressed to you comes with a wonderful ending. While we live hundreds of miles apart, each time I see them, I get the most amazing reaction from them. Every one of my kids (yes, even the boys) gives me a long and extended hug when we reunite. It always feels as if nothing has changed when I see them, I feel like we are still the foursome who overcame hardship and pain with love and admiration for one another. Needless to say, our farewells come with tearful goodbyes filled with love. It never ceases to amaze me the incredibly close relationship that I have with all three of my children.
I am deeply thankful to my parents, who opened their arms and helped us in so many ways. I could not have done it without them. My children are now 34, 31, and 27 years old and are each successful in their own life choices. Generally, they are natural explorers who are ambitious to learn new things and become the best possible versions of themselves. Unquestionably, they are successful due to their own motivation and individual work ethic as they have each embarked on their own journeys. I can not say loudly enough how proud I am of my children today.
All I can say is,
WE DID IT!